Jump then Fall

Today has very possibly been one of the scariest revelations I've had in quite some time. The simple thought that in 10 or 15 years I will not have anything worth telling my sweet little chillens about their mama's life. If there is one thing I can solidly say I know I will have to share, it would be my scars. Dear Lord, I love you and have so much faith in your guidance but if you've given me one scar I feel like you've tatted up my whole body. So many days I have to remind myself that the struggles make a person stronger but in this light, I also have to view the challenges I've been given as hurdles to jump and not baggage to carry. I've spent the whole morning laying on a bench, listening to music and thinking. While laying there I knew I had the option to jump in my car and go grab some fast-food or to buy a new dress but it just made me think what about the people my age 5,000 miles away who are caring for their ailing family members and in a desperate search for something to feed their younger siblings for dinner. Yep... it's a slightly heavy and sad topic but does pretending you don't have an English paper due make it go away? Nope. Pushing away the idea that there are people out there that have it sooo much worse than me is easy but it's something I'm forcing myself to stop doing. I want to be able to inspire my children to make a difference one day and if there's one thing my stubborn butt is not, it's a hypocrite. It almost makes me sick to my stomach to imagine continuing on the way I've been living the past few years; spending at least $50 a weekend on drunken cab rides and bar tabs, endless checks down the drain on new outfits for parties and so much fast food I could solely keep a small Taco Bell franchise in business. Although I'm at a standstill at this exact moment as to how I'm going to make a change, I'm bound and determined it will happen. So farewell to friends who cry because they don't drive a new enough luxury vehicle, that complain about how much money mommy and daddy send each week and that find pleasure in bringing others down through their cruel antics. Farewell boys that think they're too cool to acknowledge a good thing while they have it, that think getting a taste of 30 girls is more respectable than being faithful to one and that don't think of what their mamas would say if they knew what they were really up to. GOODBYE fake life, HELLO step in the right direction. Whew, never knew scary could feel so good.